Thursday, June 28, 2012

Prayer request... but you're all on your own.

So another blog about prayer. I'm obsessed, what can I say. If I were God I'd strip me of all this control all the time just so I prayed constantly.

Today I've been praying every hour at the top of the hour. It has changed my perspective tramendously. I have of course been praying for Roland (who we've been calling Rolly, like trolley) and my sweet Laelia and my handsome Charles, but I've also been praying for a lot of my friends. And I realized after talking to a few of these friends that there are things we just can't pray for ourselves.

As many of you know there is a wait between our two trips to Rolly's birth country. During that wait Rolly will be all alone with no visitors. He won't get the Mama loves and cuddles he will have gotten used to while we're there for our first trip. What will he think? What trauma will that do to him?

Then I'll fly back solo a few weeks later and get him. The second trip will cost more money in flights and living expenses (which is why I'm going alone to save money). It will also cost time and energy.

You see there's this thing called a manditory ten day wait. That means that even after a judge in a courtroom has told us that Rolly is ours, we still have to fly home without him and wait the "ten days" which can take several weeks depending on lots of things.

It's like saying, "He's yours! Now say goodbye and go home without him."

It will be hard. Harder than hard.

But we are fully expecting this.

But in really really rare cases (like rarely if ever) they *have* in specific cases we don't necessarily absolutely qualify for (but never in Rolly's region so I've been told) waived this ten day wait.

Now imagine with me for a moment what would happen if the judge waived that ten day wait for us. It would mean we were never separated, we got to all come home as a family. No worry of causing PTSD to my son. No worry of breaking his heart or frustrating him or abandoning him. No worry of traveling alone for a new trip by myself. No worry of last minute fundraising for these expensive flights. No second trip. No more time off of work. No more delaying medical treatment. No working out babysitters while I'm gone. It would be wonderful.

But it won't happen. It just won't. We're expecting to make two trips and follow every rule.

But it doesn't hurt to pray for it, right?

Except it totally hurts to pray for it. I can't in fact. Praying for this would get my hopes up. Praying for this would change my attitude from one of, "I will do any hard thing you want, Lord, to get my son" to "Why couldn't you give me this one request?!" So I can't pray for it. And I don't. I keep my prayers to that of asking for God's will and strength to do what he wants.

But that's when my friends step in. Lauren was the first I told this secret desire to. She promised to pray. It lifted my burden almost immediately! That gave me the courage to share this request with some ladies at my church, " see there's this ten day wait thing..." and they all were praying!

But also friends have come to me who have their own things they can't pray for. It would make them angry/sad/depressed/crushed if God said no. So that's where I can come in for them!

I've been praying that JH gets the home she's hoping for. The specific one. The one that she wants. Because she doesn't want to be let down, but she also doesn't want to pray for more than God's will in where to plant her family. But her heart yearns for it. So I can pray so she can remain content.

I'm praying for JD's cancer surgery. That they get it all without needing to do radiation. Because that is something she's willing to go through, but of course doesn't want to. (Talk about a 'take this cup from me' prayer!) And it hurts to pray for escape from the harsh treatment because what if God says, "No"? What would that do to someone's morale who is recovering from surgery? But I can pray for it so she can focus on getting better whatever comes.

I'm praying for PK. She has an addiction that is terrible and life-ruining. It's scary. So darn scary. She cries and prays for the desire for this substance to just go away, and gets crushed when it just won't go away (it may never go away). It's heart-breaking. But praying for strength to handle it and strength to get treatment for it is good for the soul. That's her focus while we step in and pray it just all goes away.

So every hour at the top of the hour I pray for these things, and others. Will I be disappointed if they don't work out? Of course. A little. But they would be crushed.

So I don't want to pray for the ten day waiver because I would be devestated if something I prayed hard for didn't work out. When I pray for something I imagine what it would be like. I just can't go there. It's not realistic or healthy, like the person who instead of working hard just thinks and prays for a million dollars to fall in their lap. My spirit groans for it, but my thoughts can't go there. Instead I pray for my attitude and for being open to every possibility, no matter how hard. So I need y'all to pray for this impossible thing. I need you to shoulder the disappointment since there's no chance it will work out. But I need you to pray so that I know the request is out there. It would just make me feel better. And I'd appreciate it.


  1. Wow, I have been in this position before but never really thought about the inability to pray for it & the ability for other people to pray. It never really hit me in that way. That said, I will definitely pray about it!

    1. Thank you! And definitely many people can pray about hard things and I think they have that faith. I just get a bad attitude. :)

  2. Sending more prayers than you can imagine, a long-distance hug and an out-held hand to hold knowing we are family!

  3. Why don't you send laelia home with daddy after court and stay the ten days? You can still see him every day and get started on formalities

  4. Oh, my goodness, MoonDog... That's a really *great* idea (at least from MY perspective). It would cost far less to stay the additional 10 days than to fly home and then back and have the advantage of being so good for Rolly... but what if that 10 days really did turn into weeks? Without a set date it would be very hard to make that commitment on top of so many others.

    In the meantime, I am praying with all the others for that unimaginable blessing.

  5. Yes actually Yvonne (who just got back and stayed the "ten" days) was talking it out with me. For us it would be lots more expensive to stay the "ten" days. We both work. Charley had major surgery and is low on vacation days so has to come back after court. Either Laelia would stay with me in country (ugh) or go home without me for four weeks (the ten days plus the two weeks of getting Rolly and his passport, medical stuff, etc.). That work mean childcare, therapy training, etc. Oh and also working out something extra with my job leaving them short staffed and not getting paid for an extra few weeks. Sadly we're already low on funds and wiping out our accounts for this. (It works out cheaper to stay in country only if you don't work or have a ton of vacation time and don't have childcare to work out at home.)

    Now all that said, *if* it turns out we think Roland would be greatly negatively impacted by leaving then I would be forced to stay and we'd have to fundraise me out of there. If his health is terrible then I would stay and try to advocate for him. That would be hard though.

  6. We're praying for you all! I've never thought of praying like this, but it's so true!! I like this outlook :) I can only imagine what thoughts are spinning around in your head.. I've only know about this for what.. a few months, maybe? And I'm going crazy & can't wait to 'meet' Rolly <3 I'll be praying my heart out
    <3 the Polks

  7. Dear Alexis- sorry to reach you this way, but I couldn't find another way to contact you. I would like to reach Renee (butbygraceitcouldbeme) to be added to her blog, which recently went private. Can you tell her I'm going through withdrawal? I can probably find "references" to let her know I'm legit.

    I remember seeing your son on RR. Congratulations- we were one of the last people in our area to have the 10 days waived, but no longer. It was just fortunate on our part- nothing we did, that's for sure. But I will pray for you and Rolly.

    1. Hi hoonew! Do you have an email address? I can email you!