My last Christmas without you little boy

My dear son,

I love you. Some mommies love their children before they ever meet face to face,  when they are still growing in the womb. I started loving you the same way--before we ever met face to face. Some mommies have ultrasound pictures that are black and white and blurry. I am luckiest of all because I get a full picture in color! Some mommies feel kicks and jabs from the inside as little hands and feet push around. I feel little kicks and jabs to my heart as I fill out months of paperwork and invite social workers into my private life. Still I love you. I love you like any mommy loves her son. And I love you more than every other mommy in the world could possibly love anyone. Just like every other mommy in the world tells their sons too.

I have learned this Christmas, this last Christmas without you hopefully, how little control I have in my life. I don't fear miscarriage since you're not in my tummy. I fear something worse. The unknown. The lack of control. Things that could happen. Things that have happened. And someday we'll talk about it. When you'll understand.

But I'm learning, my sweet little love, I'm learning to trust. Because God loves you. And he cares. And he allows. And he steps in. And he conquers in powerful displays. And he conquers behind the scenes. And he laughs. And he cries. And he knew all along.

That I'd be your mommy.

Even though anything can happen, I'll always be your mommy.

I promise to love you. Because you are a blessing. You are important. You are valuable. And I promise to tell you that. All the time.

Through bonding issues, through feeding issues, through potty issues, through body issues, through surgeries, through parasites, through dietary supplementation and growth issues, through stretches, through misbehavior not even you'll understand, through grief, through culture shock, through self soothing, through violence, through daily therapy, through counseling, through new smells, through sensory issues, through screaming fits, through sleeplessness, through pain, through stress and through possible things that happened to you in the womb... and once born, I promise to love you. I promise not to leave you. I promise to be your mommy.

Because you are loved. Because you are important. Because you are valuable.

Merry Christmas baby. You don't know it, but I'm coming.

Love,
Your Mommy